I saw two of my dearest friends in the world just now as I was leaving the pharmacy with the pain meds I need to make it through the day. I was acutely aware of how I must've looked (they were very gracious about my condition, as they always are). But I also understand that God gives me pain to refine my character - He disciplines those He loves, and He helps through gentle and harsh nudges to guide me into becoming the person He needs me to be while I'm waiting to see Melissa again.
Pain like I'm going through these last several months in particular help me learn patience, tolerance for others and for my own flaws, and empathy for those whose shoes I could never walk in and whose shoes I'm not worthy to carry. I'm learning that all things end, including pain and the far worse symptoms I've dealt with recently. I've learned to rely on people in ways and for assistance I could NEVER have done even when Lissa was here (and which my band parents wouldn't believe I would ever do, I'll bet!). And as my writing gets picked up in more and more forums and formats around the world, I'm learning that while my body may be abandoning me and the opioids are having some deleterious effects I detest, my brain can still serve a purpose for Him while I'm here, and maybe even for my children and myself as well.
Life is not supposed to be a picnic. Prosperity gospel is bull. If it were true, then the apostles would have lived wonderful, blessed lives instead of being persecuted and (in most cases) being killed by the Romans in various and horrific ways. Daniel was thrown into the lion's den to be killed. Joseph languished in an Egyptian prison for two years after being sold into slavery by his own brothers. Moses was exiled for forty years and then forbidden to see the very Holy Land he'd spent forty years leading the people of Israel through the desert to because of one little indiscretion. King David was THE man after God's Own Heart, and he lived his life on the run for years between the time Samuel anointed him (and he slew Goliath) and the time he was finally king - and he spent more years on the run when he was almost overthrown by his own son. He lived a life of ups and downs, just like you and I do. And if neither David nor the apostles nor any other devout man of God could expect to be given a care-free life by being followers of the Lord, what right do you and I have to expect that? None. We are given the opportunity by God to grow as Christians through His trials by fire, and to come out the other side in one piece means we have been refined, and now are that much closer to Christ's likeness.
So if anyone is directing sympathy my way, your concern is misplaced. I'm still alive. I have my four youngest children living with me and delighting me every day, my treasured oldest son coming by my house more and more (sharing random math problems because he knows I delight in them!), my wonderful stepson for as long as he chooses to stay, and on top of that I get my beautiful ladyfriend and her charming daughters for companionship as well. And whenever I do eventually die, I get to go to Heaven and be with the Lord. And Melissa. And hopefully both Mom and Dad.
And Emerson.
Post-script:
I woke up this morning, virtually pain free for the first time in about a week and a half. You might take that for granted - I don't. Every moment of freedom from pain is to be savored when you live with it chronically, and the same is true of any aspect of life. God puts us through trials so we will appreciate the gifts He gives us the rest of the time. His treasures far outweigh His trials, even in this world, and when we die as believers and obedient followers of the Lord, we will be through with the trials altogether.
Remember, since God could bring us home any day He chooses, there's a reason you're still here on earth. There's still some good you can do; there's still some lesson you can learn. I try to remember that every day, and especially through the pain. We have a purpose, and that purpose is wrapped up in our membership in God's family of children. Never take that membership lightly - or the duty that goes along with it.
Have a blessed day. -gps
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