It's been a strange dichotomy, my life over the last couple of months. My health is deteriorating, and four times over the last fortnight I've felt the devil pushing me towards closing up shop: pain, disorientation, or other manifestations of an illness I feel like I can't fight any more. and four times the Lord has held my hand and helped me through the trial, reassuring me that there's more to my life still to come that will make it worth staying and fighting through the misery.
And on the other side of the coin, there's an engagement to my wonderful partner Dana, with a wedding and a new home together planned for June. We spent much of yesterday discussing logistics, while at the same time I feel like my insides were trying to tear me apart. It was a miserable feeling: trying to be positive about the future when I can't conceive of making it to the future at all!
On top of all of this, I'm still completely convinced that the Lord's Return is imminent - my expectation is sometime in 2018, but it's God's timing, not mine. So my planning for this year is - well, difficult, to say the least.
Jesus told us to continue our lives "eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage," while we await the Rapture. (Mt 24:38) And hey! I could be completely wrong about the timing: perhaps He won't return this year, or this decade, or even in your lifetime! I made the argument in this article why I believe it cannot be very far off, but that's just my opinion. In the meantime, I have the love of an amazing woman who wants to share whatever portion of my life remains with me. Why would I turn that down?
I did, originally. And I'm still not sure whether it wasn't the right response.
In November of 2016, about a week after the election or so, I broke off our relationship for a very selfish reason. I figured that because I wasn't likely to live very much longer, it would be unfair to burden her with my failing presence in her life. But that wasn't my call to make. It's hers. And she's told me time and time again that she understands the situation, and that she'd prefer to be with me and know what I'm going through and help me through it, rather than not know what I was going through and be constantly concerned for me without any way to help. And I knew that feeling - it was how I felt about Melissa for twenty years, while she was out of my life. Dana's a grown woman; she had the right to make her own decisions.
We reunited in February, and I ("finally") proposed last month, on Christmas. And now, I'm the one who is constantly concerned for me, although my fiancee has been very, very good about taking my condition into account. I'm mostly concerned about two aspects of my health when it comes to the wedding, reception, and move to a new home: my constant fatigue, and my introversion.
My fatigue is nearly constant now - just sitting at my desk this morning has been exhausting, which frustrates me tremendously. How can I handle another move from one house to another? (Answer: lots of friends.) How am I going to make it through a wedding and reception? (Answer: I don't know, but we're going to make it as short and sweet as we can.) And what if I have another introversion attack on the wedding day? (Answer: we'll deal with that if it occurs.) God doesn't give us more than we can handle, so if this is God's Will, then I must assume that I'll have the capability to handle it.
But what if it isn't God's Will?
That's where my concern came from last November: I'm not sure at this point whether the Lord is for or against this union. Certainly He brought Dana into my life for all the good that she has done for me, and since it was through me that she came to the Lord, I've done some good for her as well. But every time I introduce the concept into a plan of action, some sort of impediment seems to crop up - my children vehemently object, I fall into horrific pain or dizziness or fatigue (or introversion), and so forth. It seems so blatant that it's a definite message; what I'm trying to get myself to believe is that it's from the adversary, not the Lord.
What to do? I'm going to follow General Patton's advice. "If it's not necessary to make a decision, it's necessary not to make a decision." As long as I'm not overwhelmed by my failing health at any premature point, I intend to go forward with the wedding plans, keep preparing for and awaiting the Rapture, and continue trying to set an example for my fellow Christians and non-Christians; that is to say, living as Jesus implored us to live - in prayer, in the Word, and in my continued quest to fulfill His Great Commission.
Because now, more than ever, it's imperative that we bring as many of God's potential children Home before it's too late.
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