If I had the faith of a mustard seed....

I never completely understood that analogy of the Lord's. 

“If you had faith like a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you." (Luke 17:6)

Maybe that's because I haven't spent any time around mustard seeds. I believe that it's supposed to be an extremely small seed, which grows into an extremely large plant, one birds in the Middle East mistake for trees. So, I think the point He is making is that all we need is a very small amount of faith to do very big things. 

I'm struggling with my faith right now. Not my belief, mind you. And not even all of my faith, I suppose. 

• I have no doubt in the Lord, in His goodness, in His grace, in the propitiation and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. 
• I have no doubt in what He has already done for me; I spoke last posting about how the God of the Universe has always made sure that I can make it from one paycheck to the next, even when I didn't see how that could be accomplished (even using the classic mystery check in the mailbox at just the right time a couple of times). 
• I have no doubt that He has a plan for me, and that everything I'm going through right now - the severe pain and fatigue from my disease, the probable disability retirement on the horizon, the difficulty with an upcoming marriage to my ladyfriend - has a purpose and portion in that plan. 

What I find lacking in my faith right now, for whatever reason, is the will to push forward through the pain He is allowing me to go through. I can deal with having to work with my children to accept my fiance-to-be as a step-mother, and the changes in our lives that implies. I can deal with the change in job status, even the obvious income gap that will be coming from retiring so young (I've yet to hit 55).  And as hard as the control freak in me is fighting it, I think I can even deal with the Lord's annoying habit of only revealing Step One of His Plan, instead of providing something more concrete than quit your job to work for Me, and I'll tell you the rest when you've obeyed Me that much first. I get it. I'm no better than all the prophets and saints You've done that with in Scripture. 

But the thing I can't get past is the constant pain and exhaustion. 

I spent Wednesday night screaming in pain. I took more medicine overnight and into Thursday morning and afternoon than I've taken anywhere outside the hospital. And I have enough medicine in my possession most times to make it all go away if I wanted to. Without the mess of a firearm, without the drama of most other forms of euthanasia. (Although jumping off the 400-foot high bridge near here without a parachute has an appeal, if I had to pick a way to go.)

Why haven't I? Because I do have faith in the Lord. 

I just worry that I don't have enough faith.

So, I'm praying for more faith. I'm using what faith I have to get more faith. If that doesn't work....

Well, that'll work. I have faith it will.