Mortality

The last several days have been rather busy in the life of the blogger. My "girlfriend" (hate that phrase for a couple in our fifties), my "significant other" (which just sounds funky), my "heterosexual partner" (that one makes me laugh), the woman who has done her best to fill that gaping hole in my life that formed on December 17, 2014, when my wife died.... She is facing the mortality of a loved one for the first time in her life.

Her mother has been very healthy throughout her life. Sure, she had an issue about ten years ago, but her husband was the one who was there for her then, and they weren't close to where my "ladyfriend" (is that any better than "girlfriend"?) lived at the time.

Last week, however, her mom went to a doc-in-the-box about what she thought was an asthma attack. Turns out that it was congestive heart failure, and they raced her over to the local hospital and started a diuretic to get the extra fluid off her heart. Mom was in the hospital for about five days, and went "home" to the house of my "someday-fiancee" (her favorite, I bet) for the week until they can get her to Salt Lake City next day to do a really cool sounding procedure called a TAVR - a "Transcatheter Aortic Valve Replacement", which means they'll thread a little robotic repairman through her aorta from groin up to the heart, where it will fix the faulty valve inside her heart. Amazing.

Here's the emphasis of this missive.

My "princess" has always been the supporter in every relationship. Her major spiritual gift is that of "helps", of "service". She is the perfect person for me at this physically fragile point in my life, when I desperately need someone who can help me through the hard times my condition forces on me, and I'm the right person at the right time for her (I think!), bringing her to Christ from her lapsed state, and providing her a stable partner to be with after her marriage ended with her (now ex-)husband leaving her and their children for a younger woman. So she's used to having to "be strong" for the kids and so forth.

But if you've never faced the possibility that someone fundamental in your life might die, it's a frightening place to be. It's probably another reason God placed me in her life now: I've had a great deal of experience in this situation. I was with my mother when she was dying of cancer, and was the one with her when she died - I date my adulthood from the moment she died (I was 20), when she allowed me to be the only one there with her when she passed into Heaven. My father lived with me for the last 2 1/2 years of his life as his heart and kidneys deteriorated; he died when I was 27. My son Emerson died in the process of being born in 2000, and the woman who brought me and my children to Christ, and who formed this ministry with me in 2013, my high school sweetheart Melissa, died in our bed while I was at work.

Yeah, I've been around death. Not like a doctor, not like a soldier or a fireman, but I'm familiar.

But my darling hasn't. And when her mom was being rushed into the CATscan tube, when they said "we need to get her in NOW - she can't wait in line", when she was convulsing in pain at about the time they thought she'd be ready to go home on Saturday... that's when my darling faced the possibility that her mom might not survive. And that's a scary thought.

Understand, my beloved is a very strong woman. The mother of six successful children, she held her family together for the last fifteen years of a marriage where her husband had already decided he was going to leave eventually, that it was just a matter of time. She worked full time while being the "reliable" parent for a half dozen children who all adore her and will to their dying day. I am in constant awe of her parenting skills. 

Any parent will tell you there are plenty of hold-your-breath moments raising kids - rushing sick or injured children to the ER, that sort of thing. But this was different. For the first time, she was the primary caregiver for her own mother, and there was a crisis that she didn't know would end well. How was she going to be strong for her mom AND for her daughters, who are still in high school? What decisions was she going to have to make in an emergency for the woman who raised her? 

My task became being the support for the support. She calls me her "rock", and while I bear only species-level resemblance to Dwayne Johnson, I understand the sentiment. When you are the person supplying the positive energy for your loved one, you use up your own "battery" very quickly. My job is to be her recharging station, to help ease her burden and comfort her while she's comforting mom. I took Monday off work to help them transition her from hospital home, to help with the phone conference with the surgeon who'll perform the surgery next week, and to reassure both women that the plans will work, that this moment of crisis is a pivot, not an ending.

Looking at my participation objectively, it's hard to see that I did very much at all. But what I was able to do for my precious (whoops! THAT one will never fly for the hobbit hater!) was to be available at key moments as she needed. It's amazing how important that is.

And it doesn't stop there. Why could I take Monday off? Because I have an incredible teaching partner who stepped up and covered for me that day. There's an entire chain of support that lines up behind you when you're in need, just as there was behind my beloved on this occasion.

What is your job? What link do you occupy in the chain? We're all there somewhere: there is someone who needs you, who relies on you to be there for them when their world starts falling apart. 

We all have gifts from God, whether it's spreading the Gospel from the pulpit or "just" being there to support someone in need. Never question your value to God. If you weren't necessary on Earth, He would have already brought you home.