- "Wives, submit to your own husbands," (Ephesians 5:22)...
- "Likewise (as for slaves!), wives, be subject to your own husbands," (1st Peter 3:1)...
- "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord" (Colossians 3:18).
But I want to take three looks at this concept.
- One is what the Bible actually meant for the husband/wife relationship to look like (and yes, it does include this idea).
- Another is why the Bible says the relationship should be that way, and what we model in doing it that way.
- And the third is how we serve the Great Commission when we do so.
First, what did Paul and Peter mean when they described God's arrangement for a marriage? (The relevant OT texts escape me at the moment - it's probably in Leviticus or Deuteronomy, though, since all those sorts of things are.) To my ear, the idea of a wife being "submissive" to her husband makes her sound passive, and a "yes"-person, agreeing with whatever the husband decreed from on high. And neither of the women I married were that way at ALL, including the devoutly Christian one whom I formed this ministry with. But "submitting" doesn't mean being "blindly submissive", and that becomes clear when you read what the husband's role is.
Read Ephesians 5:25, immediately following the verses above: "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." Husbands are NEVER to indiscriminately 'lord' over their wives, but act as the Lord WOULD over them: love them, sacrifice their own needs for them, and prioritize their needs over his. The wife must accept the husband's final decision, but the husband must do what's best for the wife first. The obvious caveat, and this was shown in Scripture*, is that if the husband violates HIS end of the bargain, the wife is not required to follow HERS. (And the reverse is true*, too.)
*Scripture link support here: First Samuel 25:1-35. David and his 'band of merry men' approach the home and estate of good ol' Nabal (the fool), who tells them to shove off. NOT in the best interest of his wife Abigail (or anyone else, including himself). Abigail therefore overrides his veto and helps them, to keep them from killing everyone. For the reverse, we could look at 2nd Samuel 6:16-23, where David is parading with the Ark of the Covenant through the streets, which his first wife Michal does NOT accept. So David is not obligated to serve her best interests, which God confirms by keeping her barren the rest of her days.
My second wife, Melissa, and I had this arrangement intentionally. I struggled with it at first, until I came to understand it. She and I almost never argued or disagreed (that's what soul mates are like), but when we did, of course, it was in the privacy of our bedroom or such. She would submit to my decision when push came to shove, and I always considered her solution first regardless of mine. (I hope I did, at least. Forgive me, both Lord and love, if I'm mistaken.) She was particularly amazing about this as I was first coming to grips with my new born-again Christianity, because I didn't always understand her reasoning for her Biblical opinions yet; still, she allowed me the final word. Teaching the children our faith is the duty of the father, says Scripture, but for the first couple of years she was far better at it than me, which forced her to lead without appearing to lead. I was and am eternally grateful to Melissa for so many things, that highly placed among them.
But my FIRST wife and I accidentally had this arrangement, too! Neither of us were true Christians, looking back, although we paid lip-service to the Lord. (We were "semi-Christians", "Christians-in-name-only", or at best Christians in very broad principles only.) We were (and are) both very stubborn, hard-headed, "stiff-necked" people. (Our children are a delight. Seriously. They are.) And for the first three months we dated (and that includes engagement time in there), we argued ALL the time. Then, we accidentally came to this agreement, without ever really thinking about it out loud: ME - Y'know, 95% of the time, either of our answers are fine, and it's better simply to take her solution and run with it. She's smart. These certain decisions that are 'life-altering', though, I'm going to stand my ground on, because I think . THEN, HER - Hmmm. Most of the time, he's letting me have my way, but on this big issue he's standing his ground. Well, he's smart. He must be sure on this one. OK, we'll do this his way.
Essentially, she was submitting to my final opinion, and I was respecting her needs by allowing her way on the vast majority of decisions and considering them on the rest. (The truth is there were big decisions that we took her answer, and small ones that we used mine. But I'm generalizing.) What that means is that two intelligent people came to essentially the solution that God laid down for couples like us in the first place! (I'm NOT saying we think like God! We just lucked out on this occasion!)
Every well-run organization needs a hierarchy. "The Buck" has to stop somewhere. Neither man nor woman are more important, as Paul himself testifies in his first letter to the Corinthians, 11:11-12 ⇒ "Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman; for as woman was made from man, so man is now born of woman. And all things are from God." But if your Board of Directors has an even number of directors; if your Senate has an even number of senators, you'd better have a tie-breaking vote! The kids? Not during the first 15-20 years of marriage, at the least! If the husband MUST think "her needs ahead of mine", and she is not required to think that way (Why not? Because she has the kids to prioritize on occasion! That's traditionally the mother's preference. NOT always, true. But if God had to pick one to consider the children more? Pick the one who spent nine months building them from scratch!), then HE gets the tiebreaking vote.
Okay, I've already started on the "why" question a moment ago - let's dive into that full throttle now. Why does the Lord structure a marriage in this way?
The answer is hidden, and not that subtly, in what a mortal marriage is MODELED after.
We're returning to Ephesians 5 now, where Paul lays out the entire scene for us. Basically, the Lord has given us a preview of Heaven, specifically of Revelation 19, the marriage of Christ and His Church. Read Ephesians 5:22-33 in its entirety, and then we'll break it down a bit. ⇒
"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so
that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot
or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without
blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of His body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
"For the husband is head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church." So, how do those two entities interact? The church obeys Christ, and Christ sacrifices everything for the church. Men, if you wouldn't lay down your life for your wife's there's something missing in your marriage. I firmly believe that. If the woman you married isn't THE most important person in the world, above your children, above yourself, above EVERYONE but God, then there's something amiss. "Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."
And IF that's true, women, that your husband would lay down his life for you, THEN you owe it to him to allow him final say in the family decision making process, because you KNOW beyond a doubt that his decision will be in YOUR best interest!
(I think one of the keys that gets missed when women get outraged over these verses is that they have an "out clause". IF the husband isn't holding up his end of the bargain, THEN God will support your exit from your end of the deal. It's a classic IF/THEN social contract. It doesn't excuse you from your other marital obligations, nor he from his. You still need to find a way to make the marriage work.)
Here's the other model for the relationship between a man and a woman in marriage, and I have Greg Laurie to thank for this one. Consider God the Father and Jesus Christ. The two of Them, along with the Holy Spirit, comprise the Holy Trinity, the Three-In-One. All three Figures of the Godhead are equal, just as husband and wife are equal. However, read what Christ the Son says in the Garden of Gethsemane (this is Matthew 26:39) ⇒ “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.” Notice that Jesus has made His wishes known to His "partner", His "equal", God the Father. And He really, REALLY doesn't want to go through with this! He's sweating blood, Luke says in 22:44. He's so stressed over the idea of carrying all of humanity's sins to Sheol with Him*.
*Footnote: Don't for a moment think that He was that scared of the pain. How many men could have withstood 39 lashes with the cat-of-nine-tail whip that was ripping the flesh off his back? (It's horrifyingly, but if you watch the flogging Gibson portrays in The Passion Of The Christ, that's probably as accurate as you'll see it represented on the screen.) For a Man as physically strong as the Carpenter was, to be tortured to the point where Simon of Cyrene had to carry His cross for Him? That's some beating. And yet, He never cried out or asked for mercy. He knew that WE deserved every ounce of this punishment, even though He didn't.
However, in the end, "not as I will, but as You will." Despite His deep desire not to go through with this, He submitted to the Father's will in the end. This is the relationship that marriage is imitating - the relationship of Church to Christ, the relationship of Christ (on earth, at least) to the Father.
Finally, let's consider what displaying this relationship implies for ALL of us as Christians.
Look again at 1st Peter 3, verses 1-2 ⇒ "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some
do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of
their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct."
THIS is the way that we are to win the unsaved over to Christ! For the vast majority of us who aren't called to preach or become missionaries, we are to win over those who do not obey the Word through our respectful and pure conduct. Peter actually picks up on this theme a few verses later, when he starts dealing with general behavior for both women AND men ⇒ this starts in 1st Peter 3:8:
"Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do
not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary,
bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For
“Whoever desires to love life and see good days,
let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit;
let him turn away from evil and do good;
let him seek peace and pursue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are open to their prayer."
let him turn away from evil and do good;
let him seek peace and pursue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are open to their prayer."
(The inset verses are a close paraphrase of Psalm 34:12-15.)
If we model this behavior, we will stand out in our sinful culture. And sooner or later (and don't be surprised if it's later - people wrapped up in the devil and his toys are notoriously difficult to distract!), the unsaved elect will come to you and ask what the joy you have is, and how can they get some of what you have? If you save one person in your entire lifetime, you've accomplished a lot!
We are to submit as a rule, which as we discussed earlier does NOT mean passively agree. We are all to be obedient to God, and submit to His will regardless of our own wishes, knowing that He has OUR best interests at heart! The Lord told Jeremiah as much about the people of Israel, scattered in exile, and like the rest of Scripture with few exceptions, it hold true today ⇒
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13)
Do you seek Him with all your heart?
Find the plans that He has for you.
Seek Christ.
Seek God through Christ, and find His plans for your life.
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